Law & Order: Bear Victims Unit

In but another weird flip in an already weird political 12 months, impartial presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. admitted that in 2014, he picked up the carcass of a useless bear cub that had been killed in an auto accident. “It was [in] excellent situation, and I used to be going to place the meat in my fridge,” he instructed The New York Occasions. Nevertheless, he was not going dwelling and so couldn’t retailer the tasty bear meat. Persevering with the carnivorous motif, RFK Jr. headed for dinner at New York’s Peter Luger Steak Home after which to JFK (!) airport—however earlier than doing so, he deposited the cub’s carcass in a Central Park bike lane with an outdated bicycle so it could seem that it had been killed by one of many metropolis’s demon cyclists.

Found by a lady strolling her canine, the mysterious ursine corpse was investigated by the state’s Division of Environmental Conservation, which concluded that demise was attributable to “blunt power accidents according to a automobile collision.”

Nobody was arrested for the incident, however per Six Levels of Separation, New York Occasions reporter Tatiana Schlossberg, Kennedy’s first cousin as soon as eliminated, wrote up the story for the paper, unaware that she was overlaying her clan’s newest dynastic controversy.

The entire above is RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES however has completely nothing to do with the next episode of Legislation & Order: Animal Management, which can make excellent sense to anybody who has ever turned on a tv with an hour to kill and (we emphasize) is FICTIONAL AND DOES NOT DEPICT ANY ACTUAL ANIMAL OR EVENT AND IN THE MAKING OF WHICH NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED.  (Names of visitor stars are included; we’re all on a first-name foundation with the regulars.)

Announcer: “Within the animal management system, human beings are represented by two separate however equally necessary teams: an elite squad that investigates the cruelty and the attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their tales.”

Early summer time night, CUTE COUPLE (Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling) rides into Central Park on a tandem bicycle. They’re intent on romance, however their plans are wrecked (actually, the bike’s entrance wheel is bent) by an surprising BEAR CARCASS (itself) within the bike lane.

Quickly, the crime scene crawls with uniformed park rangers, lab-coated forensic veterinarians, curious human onlookers, and intensely annoyed vultures. Animal detectives BRISCOE and LOGAN take the younger couple’s statements. Briscoe remarks on their ruined tryst, saying, “I assume there was a paws within the motion.”

CUT TO medical expert’s workplace. Plant residue confirms that the bear was killed elsewhere by a automotive and transported to the park autopsy. The bear additionally wanted dental work. At first, suspicion facilities on ROADSIDE ZOOKEEPER (Wendell Pierce), who swears that he feeds bears and doesn’t kill them. THE FOOD TRUCK OWNER (Adam Driver) has been identified to threaten bears who eat his wares with out paying. Arrested, he legal professionals up and exhibits that he was at an Eagles live performance. Lastly, the path results in FRINGE POLITICAL CANDIDATE FRANCIS MACOMBER (Jeremy Irons), operating for mayor on a platform that features opposition to “woke bicycle pandering.” Briscoe and Logan collar the perp whereas he’s talking at an NRA rally. At arraignment, he calls the decide “Honey” and is remanded to the pound.

CUT TO DISTRICT ATTORNEYS OFFICES. Prosecutors JACK MCCOY and CLAIRE KINCADE put together for trial whereas hunkered over vegan Chinese language takeout.  DISTRICT ATTORNEY ADAM SCHIFF warns the 2 that the hunters’ foyer is politically highly effective, and he’s up for re-election subsequent 12 months. “These voters are hibernating,” he says. “I don’t need them to get up hungry. This isn’t Jellystone Park. Settle the case.” The 2 legal professionals reply that prosecuting bear desecrators is a matter of precept. The grand jury indicts Macomber for aiding and abetting aggravated ursicide.

At trial, protection legal professional DIANE MELNICK proclaims the protection will produce proof that Macomber was affected by “bicycle panic dysfunction,” which isn’t within the DSM-5 however is “completely a factor, trustworthy, Jack.” She produces an professional, RANGER JOHN SMITH of Jellystone Park (Bryan Cranston), to testify to its actuality: “One encounter with a bicycle messenger blowing a whistle can produce a post-traumatic stress response lasing months.” The trial goes badly till the 2 prosecutors produce proof that Macomber’s marketing campaign is being funded by GOVERNOR DONALD SHALVOY (Eliot Spitzer), who, with the backing of the highly effective American Car Affiliation, is operating for re-election on an anti-congestion pricing platform.

After a devastating cross-examination of Macomber, McCoy summarizes: “If Mr. Macomber can desecrate a bear carcass, subsequent it is going to be ponies, then what’s subsequent? Dissected canine? Carved-up cats? Beheaded budgerigars? You, the jury, are the final line of protection for America’s helpless pets.”

The jury, in a surprising shock, acquits Macomber. However when he exits the courthouse, SIR RICHARD ATTENBOROUGH (himself) shoots him useless with an arrow by means of the center and gladly submits to arrest.

“I assume there actually is not any sanity claws,” Briscoe remarks to Kincade.

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